Have you had the experience of learning an idea and using it successfully to help you stay focused or get back on the right track, but it just fades away over time? Then, all of a sudden, it pops up again, and you realize how valuable it is.
That’s because if we don’t use something consistently, we get further away from it, making it less memorable. However, it’s still there somewhere in our minds, and it becomes more prominent every time we review and return to it.
This happened to me with Byron Katie’s four questions.
AUDIO TRANSCRIPT:
She created four questions that, when taken together, are an excellent tool for letting go of fear or worry.
The questions can be used when you notice you don’t feel great.
You can use them when you’re not feeling comfortable inside (maybe something just happened), or you saw someone you had a judgment about, or you saw someone you were concerned had a judgment about you, or you think about what your horse may or may not be able to do – those kinds of things.
In many situations, asking yourself these questions gets you centered again.
Their use is connected to the idea that we tell ourselves something about something and become self-aware that the outcome of that thought doesn’t feel good or move us forward.
Here are the four questions:
Number one, “Is it true?
Number two, “Can I absolutely know that it’s true?”
Number three: “How do I react? What happens to me inside when I believe that thought?
Number four: “Who would I be without that thought?
My response to question four is typically, “I feel free,” and that’s a great feeling.
I hope you enjoy trying out the questions. They are incredibly valuable, mainly when you have thoughts and judgments that are uncomfortable or limiting.
I always appreciate you being here. Please leave a comment. Bye bye.
In this audio I discuss a friend’s experience of feeling self-conscious and distracted during a private riding lesson with a trainer she admired.
Her feeling is natural due to our innate desire to connect and be approved by others.
I then suggest a simple tool for handling such feelings: asking oneself what one’s job is at that moment. In this case, my friend’s job was to gather information and feedback.
I introduced the concept of “pinging” (recently learned by Dr. Stephanie Burns), which involves directing one’s brain to focus on something specific—in this case, hearing and integrating the trainer’s information into the ride—undistracted.
I emphasized the importance of setting an intention to tune into the experience’s purpose and integrate the feedback received.
AUDIO TRANSCRIPT:
A friend of mine asked me this question this week.
But before I share my answer, here’s a little background.
She went to one of her favorite trainers to ride with him, and it was a private lesson. She was very excited and greatly admired him for how he teaches and for his kindness, clearness, helpfulness, and support.
But when she was there and riding with him, she felt self-conscious and distracted from being present with her horse and taking in his instruction.
So that’s what we’re doing here – talking about managing self-consciousness in lessons.
We can all relate to what she said because of our innate desire to connect with other people, to care for them, for them to care for us, for them to like us, and for them to approve of us. We’re hardwired for that as humans.
So that’s what I mean when I say it’s natural.
And while it was a great luxury to have his undivided attention, it is almost like he had laser vision! We imagine someone seeing every little flaw and maybe being judgmental.
And, of course, that’s the farthest from the truth.
Great teachers see what’s working, and then they see the next step we can take to help us in our weaker areas.
My friend knew why she was there and knew all that rationally, but she wanted help to sort out her feelings of distraction and self-consciousness.
A straightforward tool that can be very useful is asking ourselves, “What’s my job?”
At that moment, her job was gathering information to get feedback on what she was doing well and what she could do to keep improving.
I will tell you about this fun fact I learned from my friend, Dr. Stephanie Burns.
We can program our brains in a fun way; she calls it ‘pinging.’
Pinging is telling our brain to pay attention to something.
We can say, “Hey, brain, I want you to pay attention and take in the feedback I’m getting without judgment. I just want to hear it and integrate it. So, that’s what I want to pay attention to.”
When other thoughts arise, or someone else distracts me, I want my brain to say, “Thank you, but no thank you.”
In other words, I will program my brain to take in the information I want and leave the rest.
I’ll relax and take a breath. I’ll keep breathing; I’ll listen and feel my horse, and I’m going to play with the ideas. When appropriate, I’ll get clarification if I don’t understand something.
But my only job is to tune into the purpose of why I’m there.
In this case, the purpose was information and feedback – not to be my close circle of support.
That’s the job of a spouse or a good friend.
She could tell herself, “I’m not there for their approval. I’m there for the information. Before and as I ride, I will set an intention to ping or tune into the information I desire to learn, letting it come into my mind and body and integrate it. To the best of my ability, I will allow that ongoing information to soak in, incorporate feedback and understanding, relax into that cycle, and take in what this experience and mentor offer me.”
So there you go. It’s about directing your brain to be clear about an activity’s purpose, get grounded, and set an intention about where you will focus your attention.
When something distracts you, say to yourself, “Thank you, but no, thank you. I’m here to take in information, relax, hear, see, respond as best I can, and learn.”
Okay, enjoy. I hope that’s helpful.
I hope you have a great week. Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think.
I want to share a story about a friend who called and wanted to chat about two experiences involving interactions with others.
One was that she’d been a helper on the cow crew at a show, turning out cattle for people boxing.
To make this story short, she had a great experience doing that. She showed for the first time, too, which was great. She was feeling good and excited.
Later, she read a social media comment, and one person was super critical of the show, especially the cow committee. The person said the cow crew didn’t know what they were doing and didn’t let the cows out at the right time.
She was disappointed and upset, which turned her whole idea of her weekend upside down. Now, remember that situation.
Then, she had another situation a few days later where she was picking up some hay. A guy started—it didn’t matter if it was a guy or a woman—but started quizzing her.
He was talking at her, not with her.
Both situations bring up a similar perspective for me.
When other people are hurtful – the work we must do is always within ourselves.
We can step back and reflect on what we thought about the situation.
At the show, my friend couldn’t do a part of a task she had never learned.
At the same time, we can allow others to be who they are without expending our energy, making them wrong, and going through all that.
We can keep returning to our hearts and learning from the situation, and then we can let it go.
Regarding the second situation, I know it’s time to change something when I don’t have a genuine conversation with somebody (as in an honest exchange of ideas).
I can change the subject or find an opportunity to step away gracefully and not engage in the conversation any longer, especially when I don’t feel heard, and there’s no back-and-forth of ideas.
Again, it always comes back to us.
It always comes back to doing the work within ourselves, allowing others to be who they are, learning what we can take from the exchange, and being confident in who we are.
When I was a consultant for a client’s broodmare program, my boss often said, “Barb, one of the secrets to success is you need to keep showing up.”
He went on to explain that, whether it’s business or personal, investing time in attending events can open doors.
We position ourselves to take advantage of opportunities, observe trends, become more informed, and make new friends.
Magic can happen, and worlds can open up.
Depending on the situation, showing up might feel adventurous or intimidating, but my client was right. Unique experiences happen when we ‘get out there’, and you never know what might happen.
Recently, I had the honor of giving three presentations on horseback and two seminars onstage at the Equine Affaire Expo in West Springfield, Massachusetts.
It was great to see long-time friends (notice I don’t call them old – LOL).
I so enjoyed the folks who rode with me. For the first time, I met some impressive professionals, observed trends, and saw how much the digital world has expanded and impacted us.
I enjoyed visiting a part of the US I don’t often see. It’s beautiful.
It reminded me of my former client’s consistent suggestion to ‘keep showing up.’
It reminded me to say ‘yes’ to opportunities to go, learn, be vulnerable, and see what I see.
I’m amazed by the connections I made and by the potential for more adventures.
Now, I’m passing this simple advice on to you. Keep showing up. If you’re inclined to do something, go for it.
When we venture out and about, it’s refreshing to the mind and spirit, and you never know what’s waiting for you just around the corner.
